FML (Fuck my life)
“an acronym for Fuck My Life, but also the name of a popular website, where people post their embarrassing stories. They all start with Today and end with FML
Today, I put skittles up my vagina, to be cute for my boyfriend on valentines day, so i would taste good. As he was eating me out, he pushed one skittle up so far and couldn’t get it out. I ended in up in the ER for 4 hours, with laughing nurses. FML.”
source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fml
—————————————————————
1. Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
2. Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
3. Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
4. Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
5. Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying “I just dropped the b*tch off I’ll be there in a few baby, miss you”. I asked him about it he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about Megan”. My name isn’t Megan. Not even close. FML
6. Today, 3 days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiance is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just cancelled a $200,000 wedding. I would go into more detail, but I have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML
7. Today, the girl I’ve loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to “never leave her side”. When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I’m moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML
8. Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
9. Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i’m single. I’ve been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
10. Today, I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I took. I lost them by being mugged on the way home after the shoot and £10,000 worth of equipment was stolen from me. FML
